The Beauty - and Challenges - of Motherhood
A poignant piece on the challenges of motherhood from Mary and how the asylum system shaped her experiences of birth.
By Mary | Photos by Iain McLellan
Motherhood can be so sweet but it can also be very challenging, especially if there is no-one to give a hand. Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had. I believe that the choice to become a mother is the choice to become one of the greatest spiritual teachers there is
“I can imagine no heroism greater than motherhood”
Indeed, mothers are heroes. It does not matter what kind of mother you are, whether your child is one you birthed or not… As long as you are a mother, you are a hero!
But that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. Especially when you have no family support around. I am a mother of three – a ten year-old girl, five year-old boy and three year-old boy. I gave birth to my sweet first-born before we came to the UK. I travelled to the UK with my husband and our daughter, who was three years old by then.
One year later, we had our second-born. This was such a challenging moment for all of us. During my second pregnancy is when we had our case filed with the Home Office. We didn’t know much about what it takes or how long we would have to wait after the screening interview. We don’t have any support apart from what the Home Office provides.
The situation was so overwhelming, and my daughter was confused. She was not going to nursery anymore like she used to before we came. We were moved several times to several different addresses including hotels and this was really not easy to go through. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure, depression and anxiety and the doctor recommended that I start medication and seeing a psychiatrist. I developed mental health issues which affected our unborn child who had to be induced a few months later.
I thank God that my baby was healthy and strong physically besides that he had jaundice at birth and I didn’t have any milk to breastfeed him. My blood pressure was so high that I had to be monitored and stayed in hospital for a further seven days while the baby was also monitored. Great thanks goes to Queen Elizabeth Hospital where I gave birth. They gave me all the care they could along with church members and the only friend we had then, who I rewarded by making my son’s godmother.
Nevertheless, as my baby was growing, he had developmental issues which he is still struggling with now. He had a delay in speech as well as physical and emotional development. As a mother, it obviously haunts me that this could be my fault.
Having two little ones, no support was so overwhelming to all of us. Financial issues because we were not allowed to work, family issues and stress from the past was just too much to cope with. Thankfully, the midwife connected me to some charity organisations which offered some support like counselling, regular visits and baby stuff. But this was not enough. Things became even worse when our case was refused. We lost hope to live. For me, as a mother, I was only living because of my kids. I had to pull myself together and be strong for them, it was a very tough moment that eventually caused my husband and I to go our separate ways.
“Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had”
In 2020, when Covid-19 hit, we had our third miraculous baby. We had to be strong and ask for further support to avoid what happened with my second child. My new midwife connected me to a loving and caring charity organisation called Amma, which cares for prenatal and postnatal mothers and their babies.
They gave me a very lovely, caring mum to look after me all the way through, and this really helped me and the whole family. She was like a family member to me – like a sister you can say. On 2 May 2020, I gave birth to my gorgeous third baby. He was healthy and strong and has no health issues at all – I thank God for that. Besides, I humbly thank everyone including my social worker for being there for us during these difficult moments. All our children are equally smart given the circumstances.
However, despite the sleepless nights and unlimited worries, being a mother is not only challenging. I believe children are a gift from God – the most beautiful thing there is. Knowing that you are there for them, no matter what, makes you their hero. Witnessing them grow, fall and rise, full of love, innocence. Kisses and hugs keep you alive for a reason. It is so sweet.
Being a mother, I have also learned that you need your own time and space to protect your sanity. Otherwise, it can eat you all up! And please, mothers need support, they go through a lot. Mothers need some time for themselves. However sweet motherhood might be, it can also become overwhelming and challenging. Being a mother is actually a full time job.