Talking about death has never been easy. The death cafe initiative aims to challenge that. Melanie Goldberg went along to find out more from those who attend and run the death cafes in the Southside.

By Melanie Goldberg

Kick the bucket. Pop your clogs. Do not pass go. Euphemisms are an almost inevitable invention for matters considered too sensitive for casual conversation. Death seems to be one of the hardest subjects for us to talk about.

Death is a part of everybody’s lives, yet it remains a subject too difficult to broach by many. According to a survey, 91 percent of the British public have thought about their own mortality but only 7 percent feel comfortable discussing these thoughts. Sixty-six percent of respondents have thought about their funeral, but only 5 percent have an actual plan.

How can we facilitate these vital conversations?

The Southside’s very own ‘Death Café’ attempts to address these concerns. Launched by Jenny Watt in November, the café operates out of Finn’s Place, Langside Church on the first Thursday of the month. Jenny was inspired to form her own after attending a café a few years back in St. Andrews.

Originally introduced by Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz, the ‘Death Café’ concept was imported to the UK by East Londoners, Jon Underwood and Sue Barsky Reid in 2010. The aim is ‘to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives’. They have facilitated over 15,000 Death Cafés in over 80 countries and are currently trying to establish an actual Death Café premises in London.

Jenny Watt at Finn’s Place | Photo by Audrey Bizouerne. All rights reserved.

Jenny says her café has developed considerably since it first began:

“When we originally started it, the people who were coming were quite far along on their bereavement journey. But the past couple of death cafés that we’ve run, the people who have come are quite new on their bereavement journey and they’re at that point where they think that their friends and family are bored talking about it. So having a space where they can come and talk about their wife, husband, best friend, or whoever it might be is quite cathartic for them.”

Generally speaking, the cafés are not conventionally staffed, but are volunteer-led by locals. The same goes for Glasgow Southside’s two death cafés; the one run by Jenny, and another run by Minister Bob Stoner in the Pollokshaws Methodist Church.

Hailing from Yorkshire, Bob was inspired to open the café when he moved up to Scotland during Covid. His interest grew out of his involvement in Pushing up the Daisies, a Scottish charity which aims to spread awareness of ‘practical options and legal rights’ surrounding death. The death café he hosts is held at Pollokshaws Methodist Church and runs in tandem with a weekly ‘warm space’, providing free, homemade soup, tea, and snacks.

Margaret first heard about the death café through the Methodist Church, where she attends. Speaking to Greater Govanhill, Margaret said:

“I thought it was a bit strange, but I thought I would give it a go. I was in limbo after my husband died because we weren’t supposed to be having a funeral because he’d left his body to medical science, but they wouldn’t take it. So, then it came to the part of well ‘we have to arrange a funeral’.

“It was just people talking. I think a thing we don’t talk about enough in this country is death and how to deal with it. There are so many myths about death and what happens that we don’t address it enough.

“To tell you the truth, I think it’s a great social event to go and talk to all these other people. In fact, the last time I was there I think it was actually quite a good laugh.

“It’s just to meet other people as well. Because I’m on my own in the house, it’s nice to get out and meet other people and just to see what other people’s perspectives on death and how they feel because everybody’s got a different opinion.”

So, why does it actually matter to talk about death?

Avoiding discussions on bereavement can leave loved ones unprepared for the future in many ways. Whether emotionally or financially, the loss of kin or somebody close to you inevitably leaves a hole in your life and experts unanimously agree that there are positive ways in which to prepare for bereavement. Marie Curie offers advice to begin these difficult conversations and take the next steps towards preparing for one’s own death.

Macmillan Cancer Support found that 64 percent of people in the UK believe that death is not discussed often enough. Clearly, people want to talk, so what is stopping them?

Jenny spoke of a ‘hierarchy of grief’. Grieving a close family member, a child, sibling, parent, and grandparent is given greater weight than an uncle, aunt, cousin, or friend for example.

She spoke of the grief she felt when her dog died and that it can be difficult for others to empathise. For many, the loss of a family pet can be just as impactful as the loss of a family member. This sentiment was iterated by Bob who said that death cafés are intended to be a space for everybody, no matter the nature of the deceased.

Both agree that death cafés do not need to be sombre affairs. Humour and laughter are both common in the sessions. “There might be some tears, there might be sadness,” says Jenny. “But actually in that sadness it’s reflection and hope a lot of the time.

Jenny is very keen to expand the demographics of attendees: “I am very conscious of the fact that my death café has quite a Church of Scotland, west coast, squint to it. I would love it if we could reach out to the Roma communities and Muslim communities and Jewish communities in the area.”

The Southside Death Cafe is held on the first Thursday of the month at Finn’s Place, Langside Church at 7:30pm.